Chapter 1
“When Earthlings Pry”
Laylian the Alien, Episode I: Flight of the Lavaflies
If you happen to be traveling across the universe, you might come across a certain spiral-shaped galaxy.
You’d be forgiven if you lumped it in with all the other 70-80 billion spiral galaxies in existence.
Just looking at it, it wouldn’t seem very remarkable—just sort of swirly and purply and twinkly. However, you’d be very much mistaken.
This galaxy has one key difference compared to all the others.
This galaxy has a welcome sign.
WELCOME TO THE UNITED MILKY REPUBLIC, it says. Because that is where you would be.
Of course, you would have to be coming from the right angle in order to see the sign. If you came in from basically any direction, you probably wouldn’t see it.
But if you did, then you would know.
You would be in the United Milky Republic.
This would be the only welcome you’d get. The visitor’s center long ago disappeared into a black hole. Due to the slow process of galactic bureaucracy, funding for a new one has not yet been secured.
Your best bet for hospitality would be to head towards a certain sun with eight or nine planets orbiting it (the number fluctuates depending upon whom you talk to.)
This sun is responsible for providing light to many, many creatures within its orbit. Each of these creatures has a different name for it.
The skreegles of Jupiter call it, “Ixvivil.”
The piranhas of Neptune call it, “CHOMP.”
The virragoths of the Hilda asteroids call it, “!”
However, all of these names mean the same thing: Sun with a capital S.*
*With the exception of the Binko language. For reasons unknown, their word for sun means “shark.”
It is this shared value of the Sun that makes this particular solar system hospitable to life.
Shared values are important to any peaceable long-term relationships. Planetary neighbors are no different.
It may have taken over four billion years, but by now, most communities in this system have made the decision to celebrate their differences rather than fight over them. They readily share knowledge and technology with each other.
They speak many different languages and have developed a common form of written speech.
This text is formally known as “solar script,” in honor of their shared connection to the Sun.
Within it, speakers politely refer to all citizens as “aliens,” in recognition of the fact that with so many creatures in the universe, everyone is surely an alien to somebody.
There is, however, one planet who does not partake in this sharing of knowledge.
This planet is the third planet in the solar system, and it houses a particular kind of creature that is so dense, so self-absorbed, and so all around problematic that all the aliens have banded together and agreed to NOT TELL THIS CREATURE of their existence.
Not knowing what else to call it, the aliens named this creature, “Earthling,” after the planet it lives upon.
The slogan, “Let’s Not Talk to Earthlings,” was coined by the galaxy’s leading news anchor, Higgle Bon Deen, thousands of years ago after Earth was gifted a particularly resplendent pyramid, and the planet did not even send a thank-you note in reply.
United under this slogan, the hearts and minds and thoraxes of aliens across the galaxy turned swiftly against Earth. Nobody attempted subastral communication again. The tactic worked well for a number of years.
Except one day, the aliens noticed the Earthlings growing dissatisfied with their single-planet confinement.
It started with crude robots sent out to “explore new worlds.”
This, of course, led to taking samples “in the name of science.”
Before you knew it, the Earthlings wanted to “unlock the secrets of the universe.”
The aliens grew very worried. They knew this kind of behavior needed to be nipped in the bud before it could lead to other things.
The Earthlings seemed particularly fascinated with their neighbor, the fourth planet, so of course, the burden fell upon the fourth planet to deal with them.
The humble citizens of Mars never liked their neighbor the third planet.
In fact, the Martians briefly considered bringing war to the third planet to solve the problem once and for all.
However, AFTETOE (Aliens for the Ethical Treatment of Earthlings) swiftly ended this notion.
Instead, the Martians tackled the problem by hatching a brilliant plan.
It turns out there are very few things in life an assortment of phony backdrops and a few dump trucks can’t fix.
The Great Hoax, as it came to be known, effectively convinced the Earthlings there was no life on Mars.
On the first day of implementation, aliens across the galaxy tuned in to watch the historic landing of the first deluded Earthling machine.
As the rover embarked across a seemingly dead and barren planet, aliens everywhere cheered in triumph.
“That’s one small step for alien, one giant leap for alien-kind,” announced the aging Higgle Bon Deen.
Had the Earthlings seen through the ruse, they would have realized that Mars is in fact home to over 2.5 billion aliens living in millions of bustling cities, including the planetary capital of Marztropolis (aka THE BIG ORANGE).
End of Chapter 1
Laylian the Alien: Episode I